You had to know this was coming. For a week straight, we’ve been treated to a running gag concerning my last name. The Slack really does have a life of its own. Although, y’all are pretty tame compared to some of the variations I’ve seen and heard (Switch the X with a Z, drop in an N, and my all-time favorite, “Now batting, KEVIN MULLINEZZER!” – WTF?!). There’s nothing like being handed a little card right before walking to receive your diploma, the culmination of a lifetime of waaaaaaay too much schooling, asking you to phonetically spell out your name for the Dean to read (“Moo-Yay-So”), only to have her glance down, shudder, look up, her mouth moving silently, look down more earnestly, begin sweating, then look up, lean into the microphone, and say with all the confidence that only an academic trained for a lifetime to BS when all else fails could muster, “Kevin Mossalayou!” Yeesh, at least the dang thing was spelled correctly. Jeff Lawrence and his single AKA with Cary PD ain’t got nothing on me. With all the fake news flying around about the spelling and pronunciation of my name, it was time to set the record straight once and for all. 13 letters? Seemed like the right number of exercises for a beat-down to me.
Beaker’s Beginnings (The Warm-up)
Jog down to the track (the finest track in NW Cary on a Thursday morning. Seriously, though, how many AOs can boast a legit track for epic running workouts?) for SSH, windmills, cotton pickers, and plank jacks, x13 each (13 letters, remember?). Stretch anything else that doesn’t quite feel spry by now.
Beaker’s Beatdown (The Thang)
M – Merkin Mile (Inner monologue mumblechatter PAX, usually in Burt’s or Callahan’s voice: “Yo, Beaks, that’s two Ms! Don’t ya’ know how to spell your own name?” Me: Yeah, and the first thing I hear, without fail, is: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” So you get repeated M. One lap, 13 merkins, 4x.
OU – 13x Over-Under. 4-count exercise: Low-plank (1) to regular (2) to pike (3) CDD it back to low-plank (4)
I – Intervals. 100yd mosey, 100yd sprint, 100yd mosey, 100yd sprint
LL – 26x Yunges. As in back-to-back sets of 13x Lunges. And everyone knows a double-L makes a Y sound, right?
E – 13x EKG Merkins. It’s like a clap merkin, but all four off the floor
SS – 13x Suicide Stairs. What is it with the French and double consonants? Brevity mon frere. 3 landings, up to the first and down = 1x, up to the second and down = 2x, etc. The 13th was all the way to the top
E – ‘13x ‘Ello Dolly (said in your best Cockney accent). I’m particularly proud of this one. Mixed in a shout out to Sky Blue with a brief history lesson about the Norman (i.e. French) origins of the Brits courtesy of William the Conqueror. Although, I guess the Normans were technically Vikings. Whatever, Sky Blue. Shout-out to Sky Blue’s top-notch mumblechatter during this set…the man met the moment!
A – 13x American Hammers. Whatever the origins, we landed stateside a couple generations ago and love Old Glory.
U – 13(ish)x Up-the-Hill. We had mosied down the longest hill in NW Cary on a Thursday for E and A, so now it was time to go back up. All you got to the top, then cycle back again and repeat. The last time up was all the way to the courts
X – Xtended Plank. X gets no love in the Exicon! C’mon, not a single Xylophone, X-ray, or Xenobiotic to choose from! Terrible representation. And an XL something is just a something with an XL in front, not an X exercise. I punted and went the novice marketing ploy and turned an Ex into an X. Oh well, when you have an X in your name, and Q a workout based upon said name, then you can make this call as you see fit. Here’s how I did it. Regular plank, walk your hands forward six inches, and hold.
That’s it. 13 letters of glory and one Amazing Q, am I right Callahan?
Beaker’s Benediction (The COT)
Count-o-Rama and Name-o-Rama: Both 6, with 2 Respects
Announcements: There was something about someone from Charlotte that Ma Bell intends to help be very late to something. Just kidding. Discussion about DC LEAP (AO or FNG name “The Swamp”) Tuesday at 1830 at Pharmacy with Crotch Rocket (totally not a cool as The Swamp). Crotchety will be at SNS on Wednesday
Prayers: Goose and his boy, praise for Open-Out, Franklin traveling and had to miss the Mouillesseaux Mashup.