Christmas Party non-speech that I totally wasn’t prepared for

**Below is a transcript of what I was planning to say before I got super nervous and sharted down the back of my leg with everyone staring at me. Feel free to share this with your M. Well, not this intro, because this part is weird and I don’t think they’d get the joke. But the part below. Show them that.**

12/14/2017

On behalf of the entire F3 Carpex leadership team, I would like to welcome everyone to our F3 Carpex Christmas party. Quick Disclaimer – leadership didn’t give me permission to do this. We are not professionals. Do everything at your own risk. Feel free to modify as needed. Minors should be accompanied by a parent or guardian. Alright, let’s go.

In the spirit of the season, I’d like to take a few minutes to be thankful.

First, thank you to Bond Brothers for renovating this building and making super tasty beer. If you hadn’t done that, we would have been somewhere else tonight. Good job by you.

Next, I’d thank to thank CheddarBo. He wasn’t able to make it tonight, of course, but I know I speak for everyone when I say we are super appreciative of his marginal effort in life. Keep doing what you do, CheddarBo.

I’d like to thank Riptide and Burt (aka Jimmy and Carmen) for organizing this event, along with countless happy hours that neither bother to attend. Glad you could make it tonight. Keep up the good work.

Next, I’d like to thank Ma Bell, Banjo, and Franklin (Jeff, Tom, and Greg). As the men know, Carpex has witnessed incredible growth throughout the year, and we can thank our 1^st F Q’s and Nantan for guiding that growth.

Let’s take a moment to thank Shut-In and Sooey (Matt and Steve) for all the work they do with COMZ. It’s a thankless job sometimes, but know that we do appreciate it. Without you, well…someone else would step up. That’s sorta how this thang works, actually. Also, Steve Hollar. COMZ. GET IT?!?

Big shout to Hello Kitty (Brian) for taking the reins as the Gear Q. Wrangling this particular group of guys takes superhero strength, and the fact that he’s been able to get everyone’s cooperation with the latest shirt designs and such has been absolutely unbelievable. Incredible work. #ABB

A quick shout to Term Paper and Chinese Downhill (John and Dana) for heading up some of our outreach activities including Backpack Buddies, Toys for Tots, and collecting gear for Healing Transitions. It’s awesome work you guys are doing, thanks for stepping up.

Also, I’d like to thank WKRP (Mike) for hearting everything on Groupme. And on that note, I’d like to thank Groupme for being suckers. We’ve certainly gotten our money’s worth. #Slack2018

But the real reason I’m up here is to say thanks to all the Ms. Can I have all the Ms raise your hands? Here’s a hint, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, there’s a 90% chance you’re an M. That last 10% is reserved for those who aren’t paying attention. We’ll address that later.

Wives. Girlfriends. Thank you so much for putting up with this nonsense we call F3. Thank you for not making fun of our man-tights. Or our tank tops. Thank you for letting us use the closet in the spare bedroom to store all our workout clothes. Thanks for putting up with our never-ending pile of disgusting laundry. Thanks for understanding when we introduce you to a guy in public by some crazy nickname, because we don’t know his real name. Thanks for understanding that despite not knowing that guy’s real name, our relationship with that guy is much deeper than you might think. Thank you for dealing with the crazy vernacular. The lexicon. The asinine number of words we use that make no sense. Thank you for encouraging us (or at the very least, not discouraging us) from getting up at the buttcrack of dawn to go workout.

You see, I’m sure you’ve seen some of the benefits that F3 has on your man. Over the past year, our little group has grown immensely, bringing more and more men into the fold. This is an incredibly inclusive group, which is something to be proud of. A few months ago we held our inaugural CSAUP event – which stands for Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless. Let me just put it this way – Could you have imagined your husband completing a 4-hour and 13 mile workout event prior to joining F3? Probably not, right? And tell me something, how much weight has your husband lost since starting these crazy workouts? And how many of you were able to convince your man to try Whole 30 with you? Huh? Just one? But it’s more than just the physical benefit.

Earlier this year, a few of us did a 5k honoring the late wife of a man we didn’t even know. It’s a long story, but we were able to support him this time last year after his wife passed away. We got to meet him after the race, and when we told him who we were, his eyes instantly welled up with tears. He didn’t need to say anything in that moment, because we all knew we were involved in something greater than the sum of our parts. A few weeks ago, Operation YoGo was a massive success. One of our guys needed transportation and asked if anyone had connections with a used car dealer because he just needed a vehicle to get from point A to point B. Some of our guys decided that was the least we could do. A week later (that’s it, a week!), our guy Yogi had a new (to him) set of wheels with money for insurance, gas, and maintenance. All because a couple guys decided we could do better than just offer a couple suggestions for car dealers in the area.

I already mentioned the work done with Backpack buddies, and Toys for Tots, and Healing Transitions. And there are countless other things that I haven’t mentioned. This time last year, we were able to start a Bible study following one of the workouts. It started with a bang, drawing 8 guys for the initial meeting. We anticipated some drop-off, but it’s been strong every single week drawing anywhere from 8-16 guys. A few guys have remarked that this is the first real Bible study that they’ve done, even though they’re like 80 years old. There is a need for this kind of thing in our community.

Most likely, this group represents a tangible level of accountability that your husband hasn’t had since he was playing high school sports or in the marching band or whatever. It’s something we need, accountability. No, we don’t force guys to run laps or do extra push-ups if they miss a workout, but…have you ever heard your man talk about mumblechatter? Basically, it’s trash talk. That’s our punishment. If your guy says he’s going to do something, and doesn’t follow through, he won’t hear the end of it.

But the accountability goes deeper than that. When I get a text message from one of these guys that asks “How are you doing”, I know there is something so much deeper than just those four words. And THAT is the real reason we do what we do.

We say it all the time – the Fitness is what draws people, the Fellowship is what keeps people, but the Faith is where the magic happens. F3 aims to be a positive disrupter in our communities. But more importantly, this is supposed to be a positive disrupter in our homes. I’ll let you in on a little secret – We pray at the end of every workout, and routinely guys will ask God to help us be better men, better leaders, better fathers, and better husbands, to be a light in this world. We come together early in the morning to work our bodies, to get stronger, healthier. But the psychological and spiritual impact might be greater than any physical benefit we get.

We are hopeful THAT’s the benefit you see in your man. Sure, a couple pounds lost is great. But I hope you notice the change in attitude. The change in how your man leads your family. The change in how your husband shows you love and respect.

So thank you, M’s. For the encouragement. For putting up with your husband giggling like a child after reading something from GroupMe. For putting up with running into other F3 guys everywhere you go together. For tolerating us giddily trying to explain something funny that happened, ultimately hearing “I guess you had to be there.” We do the fitness part for us. We do the Fellowship part for us. But the Faith part is what should most be benefitting you and your family. We hope you are the recipient of these positive changes. If not, let us know and we’ll keep your guy accountable.