Happy Slackday everyone! It’s finally here! We’ve been waiting a long time for this, some more than others. Here’s what we did.
The day started like any other day. Random PAX posted selfies, wrote about the various morning beatdowns, and just generally talked trash to each other. A typical day. Then, shortly after 8AM, Chief Comz Officer Shut-In McShuttysworth sent a shockwave through the Carpex community. He announced that the arrival of #Slack2018 would be within coming within the hour. His first lie of the day.
The PAX shook with anticipation, chewing fingernails, weeping tears of joy, and getting their last hits of GroupMe under their belts. But time wore on, and nothing new in the inboxes of the PAX.
9AM rolls around and…nothing. Thirty more minutes pass and still nothing. The PAX started getting restless, some even DM’ing others to question the sanity of #COMZ. After all, it’s still 2017 for another couple of days. Is he trolling us? I can’t believe he’d do this to us on purpose!
Finally (mercifully), at 9:41AM, Shut-In broke his silence to offer an explanation: “Slack email is coming very soon, got stuck on a call…. “work”. ugh, give me a break.”
Yes, he’s a lippy little devil, but the news was mostly good. As long as he wasn’t lying to us again. Alas, he wasn’t. And at 9:55AM, his follow up message brought the good news of great joy: “Chekc your inboxes people”.
Yes, I believe he purposefully misspelled “Chekc” as one last zinger to GroupMe. Pretty petty if you ask me.
But the news was only good for some: “…half of you got invites”
At this point, YHC could feel the groundswell of angry PAX across Carpex. Those of us fortunate enough to be in the front half of the PAX list had no issues, but those toward the end would have to wait. And that caused major heartache. Like, literally, I saw one guy openly weeping in the aisle of a grocery store. I won’t name the PAX for his benefit, but you know who you are.
But, if we’re being honest, no big deal. #COMZ was able to post a link so the remaining PAX could essentially invite themselves. At the time of this writing, 54 PAX have checked in.
Within the first 5 minutes, YHC tried to get the ball rolling, requesting a “Poll” app. Both Slack Q’s quickly reprimanded me for this faux pas. Whatever, freed to lead, I always say.
Back on GroupMe, the PAX left their closing remarks, bidding our first ever group messaging tool adieu. It was bittersweet, really. So many good memories of the past, but also such a bright future on the horizon. It was a sweet moment for YHC, full of laughter and feelings of comfort and joy. YHC was wrapped in a warm blanket of nostalgia as I scrolled back up through some of our old GroupMe channels, reliving some of the best moments as I went. I was in the news channel when…
At 11:37AM, my phone buzzed. The following message appeared:
“The creator has disbanded this group, so this number is no longer active. Start your own by replying #new or visit groupme.com.”
A couple things here. One, this is how groupme interacts with a dumb phone. I got a text message saying the Carpex News channel had been shut down.
But really, YHC read between the lines. I knew what really happened. The “creator” was Shut-in. And he didn’t “disband” the news group. Nay. He DISMEMBERED it. I have to imagine Shut-In cackling with joy as he was preparing to land the final death knell (pushing the delete button) in the settings of the News group. This particular group was meant to be a place for announcements and pertinent news. But in reality, it was the bane of Shut-In’s existence. The giddiness he must have felt after finally being able to destroy that news group must have been akin to Riptide’s experience at the Garden last night. Nothing but pure pleasure, wrapped in a bacon blanket, drinking a smoky bourbon, and getting a…well…I’ll think I’ll stop there.
At 12:00PM, @burtcarpex crapped all over the new Slack News channel. But it’s okay. He was able to delete his error immediately.
NMS
The best part of this whole thing is going to be the moment that Riptide eventually regains consciousness, sees that GroupMe is a ghost town, and then convinces himself the entire idea of F3 Carpex was nothing more than a dream. One super duper trippy dream with spandex and headlamps and pallets that everyone calls sleds and rucksacks and kettle bells and tank tops and Bond Brothers and holey shorts and a sea of booty. Weird.