DATE: July 18th, 2018
My M and I have been struggling a bit lately. Up until May when I started F3 she and I were chronic Fern -> Fartsackers -> Fern…etc. But like a lot of guys after posting for a while I stopped my weight’s upward climb and dropped 10 lbs. She didn’t change the cycle. I have a good amount of patience for kids (Cubmaster) and people who are struggling but working hard (Navy Brat). But I have a far lot less for people not trying to get better/excuse makers. I’ve been putting up silent prayers for her to get it together and me to get patience in the COTs.
This week was a needed kick in the butt for me. Hi-Liter gave some testimony about the struggles he and his wife face and that was the start of a reality check for me to really size what I considered a problem. Liverpool had a prayer for patience in how he communicated with his M and 2.0 and it resonated with my own challenges with that in my life (see patience comment above). Which was followed up Red Ryder taking us out and mentioning during the prayer how sometimes we shower the world with good stuff but dump the garbage on the ones we love—and they are the ones that need our love and praise the most. Which was finally followed up by a memory of a conversation Red Ryder and I had a few weeks back about a young man he had met that had an excuse for every thing of why he couldn’t get in shape/work out/etc. At the time I had nodded with a little bit of derision for that guy (see note about patience above). But on the drive back after FOD Tuesday I wondered why I had an excuse for every time I had no patience with my wife and her situation. Suddenly that derision was looking back at me hard and I was embarrassed by my own arrogance.
And then I remembered Shut In’s comments at the 3rd-F-Mon meeting last week about how a man was a partner with his M but also the leader of the home. I reflected how I was always a partner in my and my M’s Fern -> Fartsack cycle but never a leader.
So I took all of that and manned-up. My M doesn’t deal well with direct confrontation (see my comments about patience above) so I just said a quick prayer and rolled the dice. As I posted in the 3rdf-Prayers thread my M’s friend told her yesterday the doctors found that he has a brain tumor so maybe that also had something to do with her response. But this morning she picked up her Fitbit for the first time in a long time sent me a good natured but highly competitive challenge that makes my normal mumble-chatter look tame. :)
When I dropped her at the airport this morning I really kissed her (t-claps at Term Paper for comments at 3rd-f-mon about not EVER letting the romance die and if you do don’t EVER stop til you get it back.). Just a couple of small steps in a struggling couple’s story but good ones I think.
So yes a lot of name dropping here except Sooey, who I don’t like because he EH-ed me into F3 :) but I wanted you all to know that it takes a village to get through my thick skull but it eventually does makes it through. Hello Kitty said a few weeks back that he hadn’t realized he was missing F3 until he found F3–it is the same for me though I realized even more today how impactful being around all you HIMs is (whether I mentioned you above or not).
-- Frisco (Carpex)
Note: I got a lot of great PAX support and feedback when I originally posted the above on Slack and also a request to make it a BB. Banjo posted an article from Sarah Koppelkam in his response (thus demonstrating why we call them Respects–read it you’ll see). The article is a mother’s advice to other mothers on how to deal with their daughters and body image but it can be used for guys in my situation on how to talk (or not talk) to their Ms. I thought it was serendipitous that this came from Banjo since he is the guy who taught me partner-carry etiquette: “See how much harder it is when I drag my feet and hold onto this tree branch, Frisco? Now, let’s remember that when it’s your turn to carry again and maybe take my suggestion about how to be a more light-weight carried partner.” ;)
By Sarah Koppelkam
How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.
Don’t say anything if she’s lost weight. Don’t say anything if she’s gained weight.
If you think your daughter’s body looks amazing, don’t say that. Here are some things you can say instead:
“You look so healthy!” is a great one.
Or how about, “You’re looking so strong.”
“I can see how happy you are – you’re glowing.”
Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.
Don’t comment on other women’s bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.
Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.
Don’t you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don’t go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don’t say, “I’m not eating carbs right now.” Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.
Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that’s a good thing sometimes.
Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you’ll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn’t absolutely in love with.
Prove to your daughter that women don’t need men to move their furniture.
Teach your daughter how to cook kale.
Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.
Pass on your own mom’s recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.
Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It’s easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don’t. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.
Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.