Last night as I was debating with myself where to post, I noticed Denali was Qing Kryptonite, I figured the rest of the Beige Bros would be there and I owed Wonderbread a shirt. So after the Superbowl, I set my alarm accordingly and hit the rack. The morning started off normally enough. Alarm goes off, I head to the toilet for my morning deuce and pull up Wordle - just like every American, only maybe a little earlier than most. Afterward, I stretched, just like I do every morning. The drive to Kryptonite was uneventful.
The moment I realized something was off happened as I was jumping around rewarming my muscles getting ready for the beatdown. I made a mental note but didn’t think too much of it at the time. The PAX were arriving and there were fist bumps to be done. Denali gave us a warning and I dutifully started to sync my watch to GPS.
Warm-Up
The QIC led us on a warm-up run down and to the far side of the amphitheater by the lake. A little gassy on the run over but that’s normal for YHC. We did merkins and some other exercises, including SSH. It was during the SSH that the ol sphincter started tightening up. I mean, did I not get everything out during my pre-workout constitution? Looks like I’ll be hitting the head again when I get home. Surely, I can wait til then, no problem.
Thang 1
The QIC had us count off into 1s and 2s and split into two teams for a Native American run around the lake which, IIRC, is about 1.3 miles. By the second corner, my bowels were on fire, the tremors were increasing in intensity, and my sphincter was giving it all she had to cap off the impending explosion of digested wings and bean dip. Blocking my mind out and putting the run on auto-pilot, YHC began actively scanning for a place to detonate a controlled explosion. Not much doing around the lake. We made it back to the launch pad where we had warmed up and started the run without any dangerous material escaping. By this time I’m practically doing the dance. You know that dance when you don’t think you can hold it anymore. Me: “Denali, where you gonna be?” Denali: “over there (pointing generically in a direction.” Off I ran back to the truck with the tremors increasing in frequency.
Thang 2
Arriving at the truck, I dove across the back seat to retrieve my emergency roll of TP. Doesn’t everyone have an emergency roll of TP? Fortunately, there is patch of woods next to the parking lot which I ran headlong into. I headed toward the perfect spot, a low lying area out of sight from any possible passers-by and not near a water source. Well, almost perfect. Between me and it was an unseen briar patch that shredded my shins as I made my way through it. I quickly cleared a drop zone and dropped trau, whereupon a violent eruption ensured. Sweet mother of all that is holy that felt good as the lower intestinal tract was blasted clear and returned to its BAU pressure setting. Back to the truck to clean the hands. Now it’s time to go find the PAX and finish this workout!
Thang 3
I figured I’d start back at the launch pad where we warmed up and started/finished our Native American race and then head in the general direction of where Denali said they would be. First I headed up into the amphitheater and meandered around and across it. I missed the lower amphitheater steps in the dark and took a tumble, gashing my knee open in the process. The stream of expletives that erupted from my mouth was no less violent than the previous lower explosion. Good thing no one else was around. Back out of the amphitheater and up the hill behind the buildings and past the main entrance I ran with no PAX in sight or within earshot. Circling back toward the parking lot, and checking the time, I realized I had never started my watch. Well there was a good couple of miles and a deuce that wasn’t captured on Strava. Started my watch and at least got the last mile or so spent searching for the PAX. I found them just in time to do about 15 lunge walks before we headed back to the flag for Mary, COT, and trunk coffee by Oofta.
NMS
It was a helluva start to the morning,
The topper was the stinging of the legs during the hot shower.
I might need a redemption trip out to Kryptonite soon. I hate I missed all the mumblechatter.