Vesper

UPDATED: Hierarchy of Exercise-Induced Issues and Conditions

Original Version: September 20, 2017

Last revised: October 24, 2017 – Changes bolded

Hello.

On Twitter today, it became abundantly clear that there are myriad exercise-induced issues and conditions in the wake of posting at a beat-down. Below is a working copy of the hierarchy of such things. This is a fluid document and can be updated upon request with the approval of the HEIC board of directors (which is YHC only, for the time being).

The purpose of this document is to ensure that as complaints are lodged, either in person or on social media, the appropriate amount of empathy and/or heckling can be given without need for second-guessing. Below is the hierarchy of the top 10, in reverse order:

Honorable mention (bumped from Top 10):

-Shin splints/pulled muscles – again, these are fairly common, but good indicators that you were putting in good work. Albeit with horrific form, but still.

10. Asthma – this sits at #10 because although it’s very serious, it is also pretty lame. Especially for an adult.

9. Chafing – look, when you have big thighs, F3 is going to suck for you. It’s life. Sorry. If you have any issues with this, visit this very helpful page.

8. Brown’n’Out – This probably should be higher, but typically the ol’ Brown’n’Out is a self-inflicted issue, meaning you drank too much the night before or your diet is atrocious. Tighten up.

7. Unable to lift arms to wash hair in the shower – a fairly common occurrence, this loses points for being a bit mundane. But, it’s a good sign when you have to swing your arms to gain momentum before scrubbing the noggin.

6. Unable to get out of bed – this is always a good time. Abs hurt so bad you have to log-roll outta bed? You’ve done well.

5. Traveling down any flight of stairs backward – extra points if you have to crawl down each step on your knees.

4. Unable to sit on a toilet seat – this is due to the glutes and hamstrings being completely and utterly destroyed. Sitting down feels like someone smashing you with a baseball bat. It’s very uncomfortable.

3. Unable to stand up from your seat – a good example (as posted to Twitter) would be needing to take a leak, only to find out that your legs no longer work and you’re forced to wheel yourself backward down the hall to the restroom. Furthermore, upon reaching the urinal, you remain seated and arc the stream out of necessity. Extra points if you stay dry.

2. Passing out – this usually occurs soon after cardio work. Running sprints until you pass out is highly advised against. Don’t do it. Modify as needed.

1. Spilling Merlot – The Holy Grail of exercise-induced issues and conditions. If you spill merlot, you trump everything else. Congrats, I guess?

 

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